My Dad's a Norse God, Bones
by Limited-Fantasy
Summary: Three years in space and Jim thinks nothing can really surprise him anymore. Well, apparently gods and family still can, as he finds out when he accidentally ends up in Asgard. Norsekink crack prompt fill.
1. Chapter 1

In his three years of being the youngest (and most awesome) starship captain ever on Starfleet, Captain James T. Kirk had seen many things ranging freaky telepathic children to teaming up with Abraham Lincoln in space to in an alien contest of good versus evil. But really, none of those times could truly compare to the day when Scotty fucked up the transporter (ion storm his ass) and Jim ended up landing in a sandpit not unlike the one older Spock showed him on New Vulcan.

Unlike that nice leisurely tour of a fight ring on New Vulcan, though, the young captain found himself staring up at large, muscular men in armor and—

Jim's thoughts instantly derailed when he found himself staring up the skirt of a very fierce, but very attractive brunette lady warrior.

So what if he ended up in some weird planet where the aliens clearly thought they were some ancient (Viking, those horns made them Viking, right?) warriors? At least this planet had hot babes that weren't green.

Before he could crane his neck to look any further, a familiar cough caught his attention. A cough that Jim Kirk wouldn't ever dare to ignore even after over ten years.

His blue eyes looked away quickly as a very familiar hand grabbed at the front of his tunic and hauled him upright. Jim grinned like a kid that had just been caught by his awesome uncle stealing from a box of nanochips, which wasn't far off the mark. Jim had just upgraded from nanochips to looking up skirts.

"Uncle Laurence!" Jim was never one to ask the logical questions first (like why his awesome prankster uncle was on an alien planet wearing those really kickass clothes? Or why hadn't his uncle aged a bit since Jim last saw him when he was seven?). Besides, it always seemed better to pretend he knew exactly where he was when surrounded by suspicious, armed, and very burly bearded men. (Uncle Laurence excepted. He kind of looked odd next to everyone since he was kind of on the skinny side.)

" 'Laurence', Loki?" Someone asked from the crowd of beards. Chuckles rumbled through the crowd, but his uncle ignored the commentary and was still holding him up like he didn't weigh more than a small sack of flour. There was no smile on his face, which definitely meant Jim was in trouble.

"You are not supposed to be here, James." No shit, Jim thought, but he wasn't about say it out loud. The last thing he wanted to happen was for Uncle Laurence to leave him alone with the alien Vikings, even if they had a hot chick.


	2. In which there are awesome revelations

"So you're a Norse god," Jim finally said once they were away from the arena. His eyes were everywhere, taking in the golden sights of the surreal place that was apparently Asgard. He wondered to himself what he life could've been like if he'd been taken up from that escape pod to live amongst the gods.

"Yes." Uncle Laurence—no, Loki—seemed to be in a pensive mood. It was weird to see the guy not smile and a bit terrifying, but Jim Kirk wasn't about to run off just yet. He didn't even know where the hell he was in the gaudy palace thing.

"So...who would be my father? Don't you have a ton of half-brothers or something? I think I remember reading about them in one of those old Marvel comics you lent me." Let it be Thor, Jim thought to himself. They did have the same hair and eye colours and Thor was just so much more awesome than the other sons of Odin (present company excepted).

"Thor, of course."

"YES!" Jim whooped, punching a fist in the air. Three years in space and all that self-control, I'm-a-serious-Starship-Captain practice just went out one of those freaky tall windows.

Uncle Loki ignored his lack of composure and continued walking, but Jim could see that slight quick of his mouth in amusement. Giddy, he didn't say anything else as they turned another corner and watched as servants moved out of their way and bowed to them. Yeah that's right, bow bitches! Jim thought with a smug smile. I'm the fucking son of Thor.

Outwardly, though, he turned to address Loki with a legit question that had been buzzing in his mind ever since they started walking. "So where are we going anyway, uncle?"

"Depends. My brother is out hunting right now—and _no_, you are not allowed to go. Our wild boars are far too dangerous for a mortal—"

"Awww...but I'm the youngest Starship Captain in hist—"

"And I am not going to let you get gored by a wild beast, or worse, decimated by your father's careless swings of Mjolnir," he snapped. Jim shut up then, noting that his uncle's mood was starting to grow sour again. But sour or not, he still tried the sad puppy look when those green eyes glanced over at him.

"But..." Loki stopped in the middle of the hall and turned back around to look at Jim fully. There was a very familiar, very awesome sparkle in the god's eyes as his lips curved up into a dangerous little smile.

"That doesn't mean we can't have some fun. Tell me, who did you hate the most in those Thor comics?" Jim instantly brightened up. Pranking the gods? Maybe it wouldn't be as epic as boar hunting, but James T. Kirk was totally always down for some mischief.

"Will I need a towel?" Loki didn't even blink when Jim asked.

"Always." And that was why Uncle Loki was Jim's favourite relative ever. Well, maybe. He still hadn't met dad yet.


	3. Planning gets awkwardlly interrupted

Jim and Loki were sitting on a large windowsill, looking down their noses on the servants rushing about and the occasional gods and goddesses.

"Those bitches won't even know what hit them!" Jim whispered, as he added another small addition to their plans.

They'd been sitting there, passing a book and quill (how retro!) back and forth for about half an Earth hour, but no one dared disturb them. Or well, no one was stupid enough to disturb the God of Mischief while he was giggling with his favourite nephew. It was a manly giggle, though, so it was even scarier.

"Hm. You have quite a good list there, James, but what about Balder?" Loki asked as he took the notebook back.

Jim took a moment to think about it and shook his head.

"Nah. I couldn't prank a nice and awesome guy like that in—"

"Hail, brother. Mortal." Both turn around at the sound of the voice. Speak of the god.

The first thing Jim noticed about Balder was how..._beautiful_ the god was. No, really, that face and that body looked like something out of those fashion magazines he used to steal from Uhura—scratch that, no model could even compare. And then that was that smile and the way the god glowed—holy shit, Jim was pretty sure he was getting a boner for a male and it just had to be an uncle, too.

Loki glared at the supermodel of a god and if Balder had intended to stay, he clearly thought it was better to leave and left soon after.

Once his footsteps faded, Jim took Loki's quill and leaned over to write Balder's name in the book. Really, guys that were hotter than James T. Kirk shouldn't exist, especially if they happened to be related to him (he didn't know how the Norse gods were about incest and he really didn't want to ask Uncle Loki).

"I knew you'd see things my way." The smugness in his uncle's voice was kinda uncomfortable now that Jim had seen Balder himself. Yep, he was definitely _not_ going to ask Uncle Loki about the incest thing.


	4. And the pranks begin!

The Aesir were on the alert. It was common knowledge that Loki and the strange visiting mortal were plotting something thanks to Balder's reconnaissance. Yet, as the afternoon waned and nothing happened, some became more relaxed, eagerly finishing their daily tasks before the much-anticipated evening feast.

An hour before the feast was to commence, everything went downhill. Or well, for everyone that wasn't Jim or Loki.

Bulky warriors rolled around as frantic attendants tried to rip their dirtied armor from their writhing bodies. Beards were growing and taking on the many colours of the Bifrost. Certain doors were making odd wooshing and squealing noises as they opened without assistance.

As all this was happening, Jim and his awesome uncle were in the latter's room, watching all of this from an enchanted mirror while sipping iced fruit drinks from Midgardian glasses topped with colorful umbrellas.

"I must say, those doors were quite the touch, James. Where did you get the idea from?"

"Some of our old training ships had doors that made those noises. Never understood why since we're in the 23rd century and you'd think we'd be able to have doors open soundlessly by now."

"Odd. Now who do you want to see next?"

Jim sipped his drink contemplatively, scrolling down through the victims in his mental checklist.

"How about Volstagg?"

"Oooh! Good choice." Loki sounded positively evil in his glee. It was kind of scary, but Jim could get used to it.

The scene in the mirror shifted to the outer gardens where shrieks could be heard as bushes moved about, throwing leaves and beautiful flowers everywhere as scared birds flew out of the way.

Popping out of the bushes were two very disheveled goddesses. One had blonde hair and wore a really sexy black and green outfit while the other was a redhead that was wearing something Jim had seen out in the clubs on Western Nights. Both looked terrified as they scrambled to outrun each other.

Coming not long after them was the huge bearded Viking guy (Volstagg the Voluminous) that shouldn't even be able to run, let alone run that fast. Leaning closer to the mirror, Jim snorted when he saw the way Volstagg stretched his hands out toward the two screaming women. His beard looked damp and from the way his eyes were bulging and his tongue was hanging, he suspected there was more than just sweat on that beard.

"Come back, my beauties! My stomach has room enough for you both!" Volstagg roared as he tripped up another flight of stairs.

"So what does he think Amora and Lorelei are, uncle?"

"Those Midgardian delicacies that used to be found in ah...King of Burgers or something like that."

"So he thinks they're burgers?"

"And a large side of curly fries."

Jim wiped his nose and looked sheepishly at the floor where he'd snorted most of his drink onto. Thankfully his awesome uncle was too amused to be angry and just did his little magic thing to make the mess disappear.

"Hogun and Fandral next, James?"

"Sure!"

The sight of Volstagg tackling the two goddesses down faded to a scene in the large public bathhouse.

Hogun and the scant few warriors that had escaped the horrible itchy fate were in the pool, looking baffled as they tried to wade through the cream-coloured gelatin pudding. Nothing seemed to work and they all were quite stuck. Some took tentative licks at their arms and found the substance delicious.

A moment later, a piercing, unmanly shriek startled all in the bath and all eyes went to the changing area of the large bath. Running out, stark naked was a blonde god, clawing at a slimy, grey-looking creature on his face.

The thing was making strange clicking noises that sent shivers down Jim's back. He never did like facehuggers and was glad that they didn't technically exist even in space outside of movies or this one time in Asgard. This prank actually wasn't his idea, but his uncle's.

"Fandral looks so much more dashing like that, don't you think?" Jim didn't reply and focused his attention on the warriors flailing in the pudding to try to get out and help Fandral. Sometimes Loki's sense of humor was a whole hell of a lot darker than his. It was actually his uncle that introduced him to the Alien franchise when he was little, instilling lil' Jim with a fear of face-eating creatures ever since.

"Will he be alright after this?"

"Probably. I only replicated the image and noises. Your father would hurt me if I ever did any lasting damage on his precious friends."

"LOKI!" Jim flinched at the roar and looked towards the door anxiously.

"It's from the bathhouse, James. Do pay attention."

Looking back over to Loki, he found him rubbing his hands in evil glee. Damn, when did evil look so cool? Jim turned his attention back to the mirror where he could hear roars of outrage.

Blocking most of the bathhouse from view was a huge, one-handed guy with black braided hair covered with brown, cooing furry balls.

"Oh my god...are those...tribbles?"

Loki smirked. "Of course they are, James. And the kinds that stick as well. They suit Tyr, don't you think?"

Jim dropped his drink entirely then, not caring about the mess he made as he clutched his sides, laughing. He wasn't entirely sure he wouldn't pass out before the awesome feast at this rate. Having a trickster god as an uncle was the best thing ever.

Well, best thing ever after having the Mighty Thor being his dad.


	5. The return of Thor

The return of Thor, God of Thunder, Epic Superhero that had his own Comics, and true father of James T. (which should really stand for Thor or Thorson. Tiberius just didn't have the same ring to it) Kirk was unmistakable. Who else would actually get a roar of cheers and fanfare?

Jim wanted to run off to meet his dad, but Loki's held him back by the shoulder with his epic godlike strength (that kinda reminded him of Vulcan strength). He stuck out his tongue at his uncle, but remained seated on the dais as Loki lounged with his feet over one side of the throne. He was pretty sure grandpa Odin didn't approve, but grandpa was currently busy trying to untangle himself from an avalanche of fluffy sentient towels that kept screaming at him: "REMEMBER TO BRING YOUR TOWEL!"

The doors to the throne room banged open in one of those super dramatic ways and in came a tall, muscular blonde man in a crimson cape, silver helmet, and a hammer. Jim's eyes widened, but he held back one of those fanboy squeals that he used to beat other kids up for making.

The triumphant smile on Thor's face froze when his blue eyes noticed Loki lounging on the throne and the fanfare stopped abruptly.

"Brother, what is this? Where is father?" Ouch. He wasn't even worth his own dad's notice.

Jim watched with interest as his uncle continued to lounge with a satisfied smirk on his face.

"Busy, I imagine. By the by, brother, have you met this mortal before? His name is James Tiberius Kirk."

Jim waved awkwardly when Thor finally noticed him and watched as his awesome dad take a step forward and then stop, clearly not believing what he was seeing. Jim didn't blame him, though. After all, his dad probably didn't expect to see his son ever after exploding (or not exploding) into a million pieces in the USS Kelvin.


	6. Family Reunion

"You must eat more, my son! Your arms are even smaller than Loki's!" Thor boomed at the feast. In response, Loki flicked a pea at him.

Jim grinned and accepted the large leg of boar from his awesome dad and looked around.

Hot brunette babe was sitting on the other side of his dad (and apparently off-limits because that was Sif, his step-mother after a fashion).

On the other side of Jim was the huge bearded Viking guy that he now knew as Volstagg. Next to Volstagg was Hogun the grim (who still smelled like pudding) and Fandral the Dashiing (sans alien sucker).

Opposite sat awesome Uncle Loki with a blonde babe by his side (Sigyn, his aunt, which was totally unfair) and a very bald Balder (who pretended nothing was wrong).

At the head of the table was intimidating Odin who was looking at him with a scary speculative I-wonder-if-you-will-give-me-great-grandchildren look with his one eye. Next to him was Queen Frigga (who Jim privately dubbed GILF, which was really weird, but true and unfair).

It had to be the weirdest family reunion ever, but hey, at least they had real alcohol, unlike the crap that the replicator served him on the Enterprise. He was pretty sure Scotty and Bones would be jealous right now.

"So, how fares your mother, James? Is she well?"

"Yeah, I think so. She ended up marrying a total jerk after you died, though. Treated me and Sam like dirt."

"Oh? Shall I bring down the wrath of the gods—"

"Thor, you are not going down to Midgard for such petty revenge," Loki scolded. Jim glanced over to his uncle in surprise. What? Well someone just lost Jim's favorite status.

"And why should I not, brother? The mortal needs to be—"

"Because I have already handled it."

Jim and Thor had identical looks of confusion. What?

Loki took his time to take a sip from his goblet and exchanged a conspiratory smile with his hot wife (how did Jim not meet his hot aunt until the feast?). Finally Uncle Balder replied for them both.

"Loki has recently visited Midgard and infested your step-father's home with the strange furry creatures that latched onto Tyr yesterday. Your mother has forbidden him from killing a single one of them."

Thor continued to look confused and demanded an account of all the pranks pulled yesterday in his absence. The whole hall suddenly rang with tales as Loki sipped his mead calmly and threw an arm around Sigyn's shoulder. OK, so Uncle Loki had favorite status again and Uncle Balder now was labeled "Ninja Spy" in Jim's mind. Damn his family was awesome.


	7. Epilogue

Spock and McCoy were in the transporter room, waiting for Scotty to finish tinkering and resetting the transporter. McCoy was pacing, medikit in hand as he muttered darkly about modern technology and how dangerous it was to be splitting a man's atoms apart everytime they had to leave the ship. Spock remained silent, standing at parade rest as he continued staring at the empty transporter platform. It had been over a day since they lost their captain.

When Scotty resurface and claimed with tentative confidence that he might've fixed the transporter, everyone was skeptical. But just as he was about to try to beam their missing captain back up, the transporter worked on its own and deposited Captain James T. Kirk back onto the Enterprise.

Spock raised an eyebrow while Scotty and McCoy gaped at the grinning Jim Kirk. He wasn't in his gold uniform tunic anymore. Instead, he was wearing an embroidered robe of deep blue and gold fit for a king.

Leaping from the platform, he beamed at them all and did a vain little turn for the three stunned commanders.

"How do I look?" Jim asked with a grin.

McCoy was the first to recover his tongue and he went straight up to Jim and glared.

"Where the hell have you been, Jim?"

"Asgard, Bones! My dad's a Norse god—" McCoy shut his delusional captain up with a hypo to the neck. It was way too early for Jim's cocky bullshit.


End file.
